“Whether we’re single, married or divorced, as women we all are on the journey toward blossoming into our own beautiful adult selves.”
无论我们单身、已婚还是离异，作为女性，我们都可以凭借自己的力量让生命如繁花般怒放。
近日除了奥运，另一街头巷尾都在热议的话题是关于一段婚姻，关于忠诚、背叛和伤害的。
《30岁前别结婚》（Do Not Marry Before Age 30）的作者陈愉Joy Chen则认为20出头的年轻人面对婚姻的选择时，可能会被很多外在的条件遮蔽双眼，抱憾终身。
陈愉出生于美国一个华裔家庭，在大家还在梦想中浑浑噩噩的年龄，31岁，就突破重重障碍当上了洛杉矶市的副市长（Deputy Mayor）。卸任后转作猎头（headhunter），于38觅得良缘Dave结婚，从此过上了幸福的生活，成为了她自己在书中说的“some women do get it all”。
她认为她取得的这一切是源于“晚婚”“晚育”。不仅自己更为成熟有判断力，也为自己争取了更好的条件和基础来做选择。她说：
I think in my 20s I was looking for a really rich guy who could also be my mentor and was really good looking and wore Italian fashion. When I met him (Dave) I was 37 so I was a little bit more mature and I was just really looking for someone I could be with, and who had similar values in life.
我20多岁的时候想找一个有钱又成熟到可以像导师般指引我的人，他应该又帅又是那种穿意大利时装的男人。而我遇到我得真命天子Dave时我已经37岁了，那时的我更为成熟，更希望我的另一半是那种和我有着接近的价值观，而又能愉快地相处的人。
常年的全球顶级猎头经验，让陈愉开发出一套“婚恋猎头”的方法来寻找和确定那个Mr Right。
You can use advanced headhunting techniques to bag the man of your dreams. (嗯，bag这词用得很好)
她说作为猎头评估一个候选人的时候，会着重考察他/她的三桶水：
❶ BUCKET A: Knowledge, Skills and Qualifications
第一桶水：知识，技能和资格
❷ BUCKET B: Leadership Competencies
第二桶水：领导力
❸ BUCKET C: Personal Characteristics
第三桶水：个性
During my 20s, in my own search for Mr. Right, I focused too much on Bucket A.
20多岁时，我寻找“另一半”时更关注第一桶水。
Whether for your company or your life, Buckets B and C are the real predictors of whether your relationship will last. From your checklist of 50, identify a few “Must Have” qualities.
无论对你的公司还是生活，实际上第二桶和第三桶水才会真正预示你和你猎取的人之间关系是否持久。对于你列出的长长的需求单，应当从中确定几条你认为“必须要有”的来。
年初某护肤品牌对当下80-90后的中国女性最关注的问题作了一个市场研究。调查显示，婚姻压力是她们最关心的问题。
四年前，中信出版社基于陈愉的博客分享，邀请她专门创作一本书来直面国内的“剩女”（left-over women）“问题”。出版社告诉她. The market desperately needs a book to encourage leftover women（市场急需一本为“剩女”带来正能量的书）。
该书出版后一直很受欢迎，影响辐射至全球，四年后作了“纪念版”，还有中英双语对照版电子书也刚上线了。
陈愉在书中引用：
Leftover women are modern urban women most of whom have high education, high income, and high IQ. They are nice-looking, but they are relatively demanding in choosing spouses so that they haven’t found ideal partners for marriage.
剩女：指现代都市女性，她们绝大部分拥有高学历、高收入、高智商，长相也无可挑剔，因她们择偶要求比较高，导致在婚姻上得不到理想归宿。
她说：
I’d always felt annoyed at the leftover-women label, but it wasn’t until I started to research this book that I realized how deep and pervasive is the prejudice that leads us to recognize men for their contributions to society and women for their contributions to the home.
我曾很反感“剩女”这个标签；可当我开始写这本书的时候，我才意识到，这个社会根据男人对社会的贡献、女人对家庭的贡献来评判人的偏见是如此的根深蒂固而又压倒一切。
The long-term impact of all these messages is that we continue to enforce outdated roles, even after women have become educated. Women who achieve professionally receive less positive feedback, and the feedback we do receive is often laced with negative innuendo (含沙射影的暗讽) about whether we’re also beautiful, or whether we’re doing enough in our roles as wives and mothers.
甚至当女性已经接受了教育，这些观念都还在继续引导着我们去履行那过了时的角色。职业上获得成功的女性较少获得正面的社会评价，而且评价中也常常会含沙射影地去讨论我们长得够不够漂亮、我们做母亲和妻子做得够不够好。
陈愉高举旗帜地说：Marriage is not a magical elixir. （婚姻不是灵丹妙药。）
结婚并不能缓解、改变什么。
If you think that getting safely married will suddenly make you official and let you into the club of legitimate achievers, then unfortunately, ladies, I have bad news. Public scrutiny will turn to whether you’re giving enough care to your man.”
可如果你认为结了婚之后你就马上拥有了“合法身份”，可以安心加入“成功人士俱乐部”了，那么很遗憾，女士们，我又要打击你们了。你结婚之后，公众对你进行详查的内容，是你对丈夫的关爱够不够。
至于那些想走捷径找“干爹”（Sugar Daddy）的人，陈愉在书中也清清楚楚表明了立场和劝诫。
I’m friends with many rich and powerful men, and this is what they have in common: a man with any self-esteem (the only ones you should consider) has no interest in being somebody’s Sugar Daddy, and he’s smart enough to recognize a gold-digger from a mile away.
我有很多有钱有势的男性朋友。从他们身上我发现一个共同点：一个自重的男人（你唯一应该考虑的那种）不会有兴趣给别人做“干爹”，并且能够一眼看出谁是冲着钱来的。
而对于中国的年轻人的择偶和择业，她在专访中告诉小编，中国的年轻人对待生活太严肃了嘛，她认为需要更放轻松些享受生活。
I think that if I were to talk to my 20 year old self I'd say relax, don't be so serious. I think especially Chinese women are so serious, 'cause there's a lot of pressure and I think we should really make time to make ourselves happy everyday and smile more, and joke. And things will work out in the end.
我认为如果我要跟20岁的自己对话，我会说，放轻松，别那么认真。我觉得中国女性尤其认真，‘因为压力太大，我觉得我们应该找时间让自己每一天过得开心，多微笑，多开玩笑，事情终会解决的。
然而这本书并不只是“婚恋圣经”ABC，陈愉更为关注的是在当下社会状况中女性的自我成长，以及实现自我梦想的方法和途径。
We have dreams. Those dreams create a chasm separating us from centuries of Chinese women who’ve gone before. That chasm is cultural, social, emotional, philosophical, and spiritual. We’re the first generation of women who want it all.
我们拥有梦想。正是这些梦想造就了我们与之前数个世纪的中国女性之间巨大的断层。这断层存在于文化、社会、情感、哲学、精神等等各个层面，而我们是第一代这样的女性——我们要得到一切。
陈愉说将小部分幸福成功的女性和大部分人区分开来的，不是她们的身份，而是她们的生活方式。
她自己的人生就是一个励志故事的样板。
This is a book about my own evolution from a shy and scared young Chinese girl in America into a global citizen and take-no-shit older woman.”
这本书写的是我自己如何从一个在美国长大的、羞怯的中国小姑娘，成长为一名国际公民，一个敢于挑战规则、懂得说“不”的成熟女人。
陈愉少时父亲努力挣钱买了“白人区优质学区房”，70年代的氛围中，她和弟弟的华人面孔、并不流利的英语，还是让他们遭受了歧视和白眼。她在摄影暗房中渐渐找到了自信，后来又深受靳羽西的启发，渐渐打开心门，敞开的她还成了名声在外的networker。
最初从事房地产开发行业( real estate developer)。因为在房地产和城市规划的专业领域的成就，偶然参与了洛杉矶市的老房改造志愿项目，又因为其突出的志愿贡献，被任命为该市的副市长。
她在副市长期间主管教育和经济发展。插播小八卦一则，陈愉任职期间的大学入学计划（college-access program），在2007年被时任加利福尼亚州州长阿诺德•施瓦辛格Arnold签署为州法律。
Arnold signed my project into statewide law, but I didn't interact with him. Los Angeles is in Southern California and our state capital, Sacramento is in Northern California. Los Angeles City had an Inter-Governmental Relations Unit based in Sacramento that handled our interactions with Schwarzenegger’s office and him. (肿么样，陈愉解释的很清楚吧。。)
副市长的经历让年轻的她对权力有了深刻的认识。她说：
So when I was DM life was good cause I could get any phone call returned, anyone I wanted to see would come see me, gladly. You know, everyone wanted to work with me and be my friend but suddenly when it was all over, it was totally over.
我是副市长的时候，大家都回我电话，我想见的人就能见到。然后，任期结束，一切也就结束了。
That year when I was 35 was probably the most lost year of my life…Being in power is pretty awesome but I had to survive not being in power anymore.”
我35岁卸任之后人生跌倒了谷底。。。有权在手当然很好，但是手中无权，我也要找到一条路好好生活。
后来的她，找到了真正的所长 “she connects ideas together and connects with people”，开始了猎头和帮助女性实现梦想的生涯。
初版4年后再审视同一问题，陈愉说：
Well my opinions haven’t changed but I’ve gotten deeper into pretty much every topic. And I really think that how we as women make our dreams come true and create value in the world is crucially important and that’s what I’ll be exploring deeper in this new book, which is for men and women.
我关于女性和婚姻的观点没有改变，但是我看得更深入了。我认为对女性来说，实现自我的梦想，以及创造属于自己的价值是至关重要的。而这不是只是女性的话题，它也属于所有男性。
最后分享一下陈愉在书中提到了她成功的一个重要因素，具有同理心（empathy）。
Empathy is the most important skill you need in career and life.
同理心包括：
Understand the character, perspectives, motivations and values of other people
理解他人的性格、观点、动机和价值观
Form deep and meaningful personal and professional relationships
建立深层次、有意义的个人关系和职业关系
Respond to others in appropriate and effective ways
恰当而有效地回应他人
你同意30岁之前别结婚么？
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