【每日斯多葛】10月18日

October 18th 

FRENEMIES

“There’s nothing worse than a wolf befriending sheep. Avoid false friendship at all costs. If you are good, straightforward, and well meaning it should show in your eyes and not escape notice.”

—MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 11.15

It’s pretty obvious that one should keep away from the wicked and two-faced as much as possible—the jealous friend, the narcissistic parent, the untrustworthy partner. At first glance, Marcus Aurelius is reminding us to avoid false friends.

But what if we turn it around? What if, instead, we ask about the times that we have been false to our friends? Ultimately that’s what Stoicism is about—not judging other people’s behavior, but judging our own.

We’ve all been a frenemy at one point or another. We’ve been nice to their face—usually because there was something in it for us—but later, in different company, we said how we really felt. Or we’ve strung someone along, cared only when things were going well, or declined to help even though someone really needed us.

This behavior is beneath us—and worth remembering the next time we accuse someone else of being a bad friend.

10月18日 

亦敌亦友

“没有什么比狼与羊交朋友更糟糕的了。要不惜一切代价避免虚假的友谊。如果你是善良、坦率、心怀善意的人，这些品质就应该在你的眼神中显露出来，让人一眼便能察觉。”

——马可·奥勒留，《沉思录》，11.15

显而易见，我们应该尽可能远离那些邪恶而两面三刀的人——嫉妒你的朋友、自恋的父母、不值得信赖的伴侣。乍看之下，马可·奥勒留是在提醒我们远离虚伪的朋友。

但如果我们把这个问题反过来看呢？如果我们转而问自己：我们是否也曾对朋友虚情假意？归根结底，这才是斯多葛主义的核心——不是评判别人的行为，而是审视我们自己的行为。

我们每个人都曾在某个时候扮演过“表面是朋友、背后却是敌人”的角色。我们当着朋友的面对他们很好——通常是因为这样做对自己有好处——但后来在其他人面前，却说出了自己真正的看法。或者，我们曾经一直吊着某个人，只在一切顺利时才关心他们；又或者，明明有人确实需要我们的帮助，我们却拒绝伸出援手。

这样的行为有失我们的品格——而下一次我们指责别人不是一个好朋友时，值得想想自己是否也曾如此。