There is a thing about growing up is defining the boundary between reasonable breakdown and being weak, is getting more and more nebulous.
Obviously, we don't and we can't feel like the world is going to end just because we didn't get the candy, the doll, the toy we want, but you know, that's the funny part.
The fact is we can, and we still do. The only difference is that we, mature people refused to admit it or just hide it somewhere dark.
Take an example of mine.
The last 3 days is probably the worst 3 days that I had ever been through this year, even including the day I got fired right before the entire office was about to dismiss, tbh, that was a good day, for me tho, and I still remembered I ran into the kitchen where my friend was cooking us lunch after finished the call with my ex-boss who just gently informed I got fired.
I was laughing and cheering with appreciations for my ex-boss and the situation, cause everyone in that office knew it's NOT going to survive, just a matter of time we will all lose our jobs. "Got fired" means Iwill get triple payments, and I don't have to stay till the end and act like I can do something.
Damn, that was pretty good news! But for the last 3 days, oh boy, it just kept shooting bullets right to my face.
All started with the night out with 2 girlfriends who I was not very close to back in Beijing, but we had a really good girl's night, they're drunk, I was cigarette high, the vibe even reached the point that was nothing cannot be mentioned in our convo.
If they didn't have the flight to catch tmr 8 am, we would stay up all night just talking shits and dancing, laughing, smoking, drinking, also the most important, just being girls.
"This is the first time that I miss Beijing after I came here."
It was so good that made me say that also miss where I just ditched everything for getting out of 5 months ago.
Even the day after, I was totally tired, but after swallowed one cup of black coffee, my mood was immediately back in track, I was singing loud on my way home while riding my e-bike, laughing at people who were shocked by my overwhelming happiness, I was in cloud nine.
(Btw, this was the song I sang mostly on the way that day)
I liked it but I don't like it now, nothing to do with these 2 lovely girls, it's the loose and impetuous state I had every day in Beijing's life, came right back to me after I just managed to give myself an internal dust removal with this new place's peaceful environment, chill surroundings and desireless lifestyle...
So I got bored, began to fuck things up so that I can bring the drama back.
There was a guy, hahaha, I know, there was always a guy, damn girl. Anyway, I met him like about a week ago, he was just here for a national holiday trip, when he was here, I didn't pay him too much attention, even we had 2 fun trips on the e-bike and one of my toes was injured badly in the last trip because of him. So the day he leaves, I didn't bother to say goodbye in person, just laying in the couch pretending I was asleep.
Then the thing started to turn after the msg he kept sending me, somehow, we kept in touch online when he is already a couple of thousands of metres away, it's when the point I began to wonder if he was doing this just out of the guilt of my injured toe, the maturity alarm rang.
It rang too loud for me to ignore, so after that night out, without self noticing that irrational and reckless self had already kicked in, I decided to air it out just like that.
Even I knew no matter what answer I would get from him, there won't be any love story that will last well, so I basically just wanted to update the game and fuck the consequence up.
Ok, let's get this part done quickly, his answer is he doesn't know, and I got mad, hanged up the voice call, after then we never talked.
Yea, bit rough, but hey, here it is, the drama you asked for subconsciously. Happy now?
Not really, and then the day after, it's my job, even just a part-time job for supporting the life here and paying off some leftover bills, but I take it very seriously.
But that one articel I had put all of my heart to finish, and then almost stayed up all night to try to make it as requested as possible, it still got rejected by the responsible reader, the maturity alarm rang again.
This time, it is not just loud, it's unbearable, so I mentally went deaf, can't hear myself talking anymore, just blocked everything that may help out of the door, exactly like those nights at the end of 2018.
Is this some kind of PTSD too? Not sure, but my mind didn't even have antennas to taste what it is anymore, just numb like I was nobody and not even here or anywhere else.
I started laying out all of my life failures on the floor, and just looked at them without any emotion changing, even laughed a lil bit, it's the dark self showtime, my so-called maturity stood aside and clapped.
Even just had a rough working night, I was awake as a doping athlete, spent all day floating with my E-bike without eating or drinking, kept smoking till my throat hurt, even post a negative and emotional WeChat moment for the very first time this year.
There is truly nothing that can be more powerful enough to bring consciousness back than algesthesia. Finally, Mr.maturity had enough fun of watching my fuckups. He stepped out and slapped me hard, then took me to eat and bought me drinks, even kindly brought me home before the coldness of night back to work.
True, I didn't cry or scream like a child, that's a "thanks" to Mr.maturity, but at the same time, because of that, I didn't know how to react, there were surely no tears wanted to come out, but I wish there were some, so that's a "FU" to Mr.maturity.
