/Real Story/Chinese “It’s My Treat”(请客) Culture

If you have spent time with Chinese people, you will notice that Chinese people love to treat their friends or relatives to a meal, no matter what the circumstance. When I say treat, I mean that one person generously pays for everybody’s food.

In China, people often share a meal seated around a table with a center part/turn-table.  Plates of many different types of food are placed on the center part/turn-table so that people can turn it to get the food they want.  In some western cultures, this part of a table is called a ‘Lazy Susan’. People sharing the meal typically use their own chopsticks to take food from the center part and put it onto their own small plate in front of them.  In western cultures, food is often served on a plate for each individual, or if the meal is served ‘family style, the person has their own individual plate. Food dishes are passed around the table with a serving spoon so that each person can use the spoon to put what they want onto their own plate.

Sharing meals together is an important social custom in many cultures, but it is a particularly important way for people to enjoy the rich tastes of food in the Chinese culture, and enjoy time together.  It’s really true, that Chinese people love eating together. They enjoy meals together for almost any occasion, such as moving to a new house, having a baby, going to university, getting a promotion, celebrating a birthday, or getting a new job. Any happy or unhappy event can be a reason for Chinese people to eat together. Whatever the reason, the person who invites their family or friends to eat will usually pay the bill for everyone.

In western cultures, people also eat together, but each person typically orders food only for themselves or for small children. When it’s time to pay the bill, they usually pay for themselves (or their own family) or split the bill with others at the table.  Sometimes, one person will pay for everyone, but this is not the usual practice.

I think there is an important reason behind people from western cultures not sharing their food, in contrast with Chinese culture. We need to know the history of Chinese culture to understand the difference. More than 2000 years ago, Chinese people ate separately, it was only after the Song dynasty (around the year 1000 AC) that Chinese people started to eat from the same plates. This reflects the Chinese cultural value known as a reunion. This value originated from the Confucius period and it gained strength when the influence of emperors increased. This was because obedience gave people great favor in the eyes of the emperor, people were not only expected to obey the emperor but also to obey fathers and husbands. It was thought that togetherness and being among others resembled obedience, that’s why reunion became such an important value in Chinese Culture. The Chinese have an old saying “real brothers should wear the same trousers, and eat from the same pot of food” (穿一条裤子，吃一锅饭). However, Chinese leaders have recently been advocating that people should eat separately in an attempt to control the spreading of the Coronavirus.

I experienced the difference between the western and Chinese culture about sharing meals together when I went to a restaurant with a western family in the United Kingdom. I noticed that even the family members ordered for themselves and paid separately for their own order. They did not share their food unless someone asked and they gave the permission. From a Chinese cultural perspective, I thought that western people do not experience much relational bonding, but I understand it is about individualism, health, and personal preferences in western cultures. This simply reflects different cultural practices.  Western people have other ways of expressing relational bonding. On the other hand, in China, if we hold a family reunion, whether in a restaurant or at home, the oldest family member, or the family who invited others to the party will pay for everything. Money is never an issue between family members. Younger family members will offer the best food from the shared dishes to older family members to show their respect.

Another example comes from a discussion I had with a foreign friend. He went out with his friend to a bar, and when he came back he complained to me saying “the guy was so cheap, I didn’t eat that much, and he asked me to split the bill. It was really not worth it”. I was confused and asked him, “Isn’t he your best friend? and I thought, he invited you to the dinner?”. In China, if you invite a friend, you should pay for both of you, but next time you will need to ask him out to treat him again. Sometimes if one person has more money than the other, he will pay, but sometimes people will argue about who should pay, maybe because of pride. So, if you see two people arguing in front of the cashier in China, you should not be surprised- they are usually just being polite to one another!

How important is eating together for Chinese people? It is of high importance not only for families but for people in all different kinds of relationships in Chinese society. I will talk more about the details of Chinese dining culture in my next article.