For many parents, especially in China, understanding and accepting a child’s non-heterosexual relationships is unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory. He Fenglan opens up to us about the bumpy road to acceptance.
Taking a moment to consult the mirror before beginning our interview, He Fenglan gently readjusts the buttons of her elaborate floral smock and tames her mischievous fly-away hairs. Her last-minute adjustments are no display of nerves, but a simple ritual she’s cultivated since her involvement with Mainland China’s chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends for Lesbians and Gays). No longer a stranger to the camera, He’s preparations are subtle indications of the stoicism that has made her story an inspiration for parents of LGBT+ individuals and a beacon of hope for struggling queer youths.
They say that when it rains, it pours. The torrential downpour that battered He’s once-peaceful provincial life in Chengdu was catalysed not just by the closing chapter of her husband’s battle with terminal cancer but also the discovery of her son’s homosexuality. Fuelled by an already uncertain future in the face of the death of her husband and with her dreams of a daughter-in-law shattered, she was unable to accept the truth. He wondered, ‘How is it possible for two men to live together?’ She rejected Tao’s ten year relationship with committed partner Duan, branding it shameful and immoral. Witnessing the picturesque suburban lifestyle her son and his partner had created for themselves in Shanghai served only to add insult to injury.
The discovery of her son’s sexual orientation marked a turning point in He’s life. It signalled an end to the hopes and dreams she had held dear since the birth of her only son, giving way to the stormy horizon of uncertainty and the loss of a future that could be considered ‘normal’. For He, like thousands of parents in her position across China, the simple notion of acceptance became obscured by myriad factors that worried her but were completely out of her control. ‘I had no idea how to face my family or society,’ she explains. How could her son ever live a happy life? Could he earn enough to support himself? And above all, how could she accept something that, without a doubt, would radically change (and already had changed) the course of both her son’s life and her own?
Her journey towards acceptance of her son was by no means simple. Perhaps the loss of her husband, who in his final days urged He to concede, offered a moment of bittersweet clarity. Watching her son care for his stepfather in his final moments was enough to at least acknowledge the bond of unconditional love between father and son, and the unwavering support of Tao’s partner Duan. ‘Would a daughter-in-law be as dedicated as Duan?’ she asked herself. It was ultimately the pain and vulnerability of her son that led He to realise that Tao’s sexuality couldn’t possibly be a lifestyle choice. Her son and his partner knelt before her, He accepted their relationship, acknowledging that a fuller understanding of the LGBTIQ world would take time, ‘I felt terrible at that time, but I accepted them being together even though I didn’t really mean it.’
He’s story is characterised by her ultimate openness – the huge shift in perspective that allowed her to reject tradition, bigotry and sadness and to embrace the unconventional, the ‘new normal’. Although resistant at first to the idea of relocating to Shanghai to live with Tao and Duan, it was He’s experience at a PFLAG conference in Guangzhou that was able to tip the scale. A weekend of talks, discussion groups and social events that focused on the real-life stories of the parents and allies of LGBT+ individuals gave He the strength to fully open her heart to her son and his partner. A once modest and gentle character, He suddenly found strength and purpose in the knowledge she was not alone, and more importantly, she felt empowered to help those who were struggling.
Sitting between her two sons, He is at ease. Recounting her story is a display of strength, albeit coloured by her characteristically gentle yet matter-of-fact expression. Now a strong family unit, the trio has built a comfortable, open and loving home that in a way mirrors traditional Chinese households. He is the strong matriarch she’d always envisioned becoming, supported by her devoted son and son-in-law, who has become her confidant and unwavering source of support. Serving her guests steaming cups of homemade milk tea, of course tending first to Duan, conversation turns to a new arrival to the household in the future.
IDAHOT (International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia) will take place around the world on May 17 with a focus on LGBTIQ families.
Photography and videography by Alice Yixin.
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