Some foreigner who have lived in Chinafor years but doesn’t’t speak a lick of Chinese. How doeshe do it? How does heremain, against all odds, untouched by his surroundings, pristine in hisprimal form, like an insect preserved in amber? Some look down on this type ofcompatriot expatriate, but not me. I know that to go 10 or 20 years without learning how to order take out is not luck – it is skill, refined through decades of indifferenceto local culture. Thankfully, it’s easier than ever todevelop this skill. So if you have a Chinese textbook in your home, burn it. Here’s how to get by in China without ever learningChinese
FOOD
The most important issue is also the simplest to solve. Gone are the days whenexpats had to carry photos of kung pao chicken every time they left the house.Most restaurants today have an English menu or at least one with pictures. Allyou need to provide is a finger that points.
TRAVEL
Like a patient with Alzheimer’s, carry a card with your name and home addresson your person at all times. That way, when a Chinese passerby finds you wandering around Huilongguan at three in the morning, he can direct you to yourhome or healthcare facility. Once you’ve mastered finding your home, you canstart to collect business cards from the places you frequent, showing them tocab drivers whenever necessary. If this ever fails, don’t panic. There’s alwaysthe foolproof strategy of putting your friend who knows Mandarin on the phoneto direct the cab driver.
WORK
A total inability to speak Mandarin might limit your career opportunitieselsewhere, but not here! Most companies here are willing to dramatically lower their standards to accommodate native English speakers. What’s more, the more professional your company is, the better your co-workers’ English will be. Most will have a better grasp of English grammar than you and some might evenpossess a larger vocabulary. Take this opportunity to brush up on your mother tongue. But if you can’t learn from your co-workers, they can still learn from you. In fact, by making no attempt at all to converse in Chinese, you’reactually doing them a favor: forcing them to improve their English. Don’t mindthe whispering behind your back, in their heart of hearts they thank you forit.
TWO SIMPLE PHRASES
I’m not going to lie. Living in China without learning Chinese is difficult and should only be attempted by the truly obstinate. Of course life is much easier if you know Chinese. But what, you might ask, is the absolute minimum you must know to get by? As long as you knowthese two simple phrases, there is no limit to the amount of time you can spendin China:
听不懂 (tīngbùdong)– “I don’t understand.” This is the magic bullet. Anytime someone says something to you with tones, this should be your go-to. (NOTE: This phrase ismuch more effective if said with a blatant foreign accent.)
我是美国人 (woshìměiguórén) – “I’m an American.” If some one is still bothering you after you’vetold them repeatedly you tīngbùdǒng, play this trump card. When a Chinese person hears thisfrom someone who has made no attempt to engage with their culture, they usuallyleave that person alone. Forever.