推荐||善待自己，就像对待好朋友- 大数跨境

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推荐||善待自己，就像对待好朋友

生命新出口

2016-08-19

导读：为什么在创造一个好的关系方面，自我同理心比自尊效果更好？关系完形疗法能够帮助你拥有健康的、和自己的关系，以及

为什么在创造一个好的关系方面，自我同理心比自尊效果更好？

关系完形疗法能够帮助你拥有健康的、和自己的关系，以及与生命中的其他人的关系。学习在当下，并且对你自己和他人抱持一份同理心，能够帮助营造去创建安全感和连结。

当你难过或沮丧时，膨胀你的自我不会使你感觉更好。相反的，试着跟自己说说话，就像你是你的好朋友，在当下带着善意。

自信没有什么错，麻烦的是我们怎样去试图达到高自我关注，通常它是通过贬低别人或是跟我们周围的人比较所取得的成就来进行。这不仅不可持续，Neff认为，它也可能导致自恋或者在困难时刻的抑郁发作。

有一条更好的路径：自我同理心。换言之，对待自己就像对待最好的朋友，即使当他们（你）犯了错的时候。

那么什么是自我同理心呢？怎么是更好的？

它意味着对待自己用同样的善待、关心、怜悯，就像你对待那些你在乎的人--你的好朋友，你爱的那些人。

一个最明显的方式，也是其中一个组成部分是善待自己。但它也需要承认一个人类的共性--换句话说，那个理解就是没有人是完美的，没有人的生活是完美的。有时候，我们失败的时候，我们的反应像是出错了--这不应该发生的。"我不应该失败，我的人生中不应该发生这样的事。"假如这世界上每一个人都生活在完美的幸福、没有问题的人生里，这种类型的思维真的会引起很多额外的痛苦，因为人们会感觉到被隔离和与其他人的分离感。

因此，当我们有自我同理心的时候，当我们失败的时候，就不是"可怜的我，"它是"好吧，每个人都可能失败"。每个人都有挣扎的时候。这就是人。这真的会转变我们如何看待失败和困难，当我们说，"啊，这很正常，这是人的一部分，"这打开了从经验中成长的大门。如果我们觉得它不正常，它不应该发生，那我们就会开始责备自己。

自我同理心也需要一个觉知。为了拥有自我同理心，我们必须愿意转向并承认我们的痛苦。

通常情况下，我们不想这样做。我们想逃避，不想去想，想立刻投入解决问题。

与那些在训练这个品质的人一起进行小组工作，对发展自我同理心是有帮助的。

原文：

Why Self-Compassion Works Better Than Self-Esteem to have Good Relationships based on an article by Kristin Neff.

Relational Gestalt Practice can help you have healthy relationships with yourself and the people in your life. Practicing be present and have compassion for your self and others helps to create safety and connection.

Boosting your ego won't make you feel better when you are sad or upset. Instead, try talking to yourself like you would your best friend, with presence and kindness.

There's nothing wrong with being confident,. The trouble is how we try to achieve high self-regard. Often, it's by undermining others or comparing our achievements to those around us. That's not just unsustainable, Neff argues, it can also lead to narcissism or depressive bouts during hard times.

There is a better path: Self-compassion. In other words, treating yourself just like you would your best friends, even when they (you) make mistakes.

So what is self-compassion? How is it better?

It means treating yourself with the same kind of kindness, care, compassion, as you would treat those you care about-your good friends, your loved ones.

One component is self-kindness, which is in a way the most obvious. But it also entails a recognition of common humanity-in other words, the understanding that all people are imperfect, and all people have imperfect lives. Sometimes, when we fail, we react as if something has gone wrong-that this shouldn't be happening. "I shouldn't have failed, I shouldn't have had this issue come up in my life." And this sense that "this shouldn't be happening," as if everyone else in the world were living perfectly happy, unproblematic lives.That type of thinking really causes a lot of additional suffering, because people feel isolated and separated from the rest of humanity.

So, when we have self-compassion, when we fail, it's not "poor me," it's "well, everyone fails." Everyone struggles. This is what it means to be human. And that really radically alters how we relate to failure and difficulty. When we say, "Oh, this is normal, this is part of what it means to human," that opens the door to the grow from the experience. If we feel like it's abnormal, this shouldn't be happening, then we start blaming ourselves.

Self-compassion also entails a mindfulness. In order to have self-compassion, we have to be willing to turn toward and acknowledge our suffering.

Typically, we don't want to do that. We want to avoid it, we don't want to think about it, and want to go straight into problem-solving.

Working in group with others who are practicing this quality can be helpful in developing self-compassion.

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作者：朵奶奶（完形导师Dorothy）

翻译：rabbit foot

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